Insight about Trauma

My wife and I were watching TV over the weekend and a character in the show "The Mentalist" made an astoundingly insightful comment to a survivor of a crime that was allowing what happened to her ruin her life. She said " your trauma doesn't define you. YOU define your trauma."

That quote packs a lot into a short line.

“Your trauma doesn’t define you. You define your trauma.”

To me, it’s about agency and meaning.

The first half pushes back against identity getting swallowed by what happened. Trauma can shape us, yes—but it isn’t the sum total of who we are.

The second half is the empowering part: you get to decide how the experience fits into your story. You can name it, understand it, set boundaries around it, and choose what it teaches you (or doesn’t).

I especially like that it doesn’t deny trauma or minimize pain. It’s not saying, “just move on.” It’s saying:

What happened matters — but you still own you.

That can be really powerful for survivors, parents, and teens alike, because it reinforces:

You are not broken.

You are not your worst experience.

Healing includes reclaiming control over the narrative.

“You are allowed to acknowledge the harm and grow beyond it.”

When I Googled the line, many sources came up. Nonetheless, it's pretty insightful for a writer on a TV series to go there, don't you think?